Chasing Windmills

All I want to do is sleep.

I’ve gone without a good night’s sleep for…almost a month now.

It takes me forever to fall asleep. My mind won’t turn off. My thoughts keep racing in my head. I feel dizzy and nauseous, out of control. I lie awake at night, breathing deep breaths, counting backwards in every language I know, even begging a distant God to let me sleep. All I want is sleep, not because I’m tired, but because I’m foolish enough to believe that sleep will bring some respite from the thoughts that plague my mind. The truth is, when/if I do manage to fall asleep, it’s a restless sleep. I wake up every hour or so, look at the clock, and am forced to repeat the same process again: Breathe in……breathe out….cien, noventa y nueve, noventa y ocho….God, please…Oh God, just let me sleep….

Even my dreams taunt me. They all have the same themes: rejection, betrayal, anger, bitterness, hopelessness.

I’m an emotional wreck, but I’m too proud to admit why, and too chickenshit to do anything about it.

I’m one of the most optimistic people I know, but after a while, the disappointment starts to wear me down. I’m tired of hoping, tired of putting my heart out there, tired of trying to convince myself that everything will turn out okay.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I pray for peace of mind, but I don’t think it will ever come to me again.

It’s 3:30 in the morning. Why the hell am I still awake?

I know this blog is supposed to be about the list of awesome things I’m doing, but I don’t care about the list now. I’m sorry to disappoint. Apparently, it’s the only thing I’m any good at…well, one of two things. If that’s the only way that people see me, then I don’t want to be seen at all.

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