De Profundis Fiat Lux

Winter is not a good time for exploring.

I found a few things: a man in a wheelchair who was missing a leg; a chocolate store that sells Orange Blossom Honey chocolates, which are absolutely divine.

But mostly nothing.

I’d go out tomorrow, but all of my exploring endeavors have been put on hold indefinitely.  Someone broke into my trunk this week and stole my keyboard (piano, not computer), so I am in mourning  I’ve had that thing since I was 14 years old, and now it’s probably…well, who knows.  I feel like a piece of my soul is gone.

On the bright side, whoever broke into my car also managed to unjam my CD player, so that’s a plus.   I’m so damn optimistic, sometimes it makes me sick.

I’m a very “glass-half-full” kind of person, even if there’s only a drop left in the cup.  I don’t know why.  I wish I knew where this hope came from; I’d bottle it up and sell it on late-night infomercials.    There’s no reason to have such hope.  This world is a terrible place, filled with terrible people, and yet, I still believe that, no matter what happens, despite the wars and diseases and tyranny that surround us, everything will turn out okay.

I am either painfully naive or hopelessly delusional.  Either way, it helps me get from day to day, so it can’t be all that bad.

Speaking of naivety, I found this great side-comment from Metafilter:

** Refusing to grow up by maintaining your sense of wonder and following your dreams is ok with me. Refusing to grow up by pretending that your adult responsibilities and commitments don’t exist is annoying. There are more nuances that I don’t have words for, but please don’t think I’m dismissing all potential meanings of “refusing to grow up” as bad. **

I’ll let it speak for itself.

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Get Lost

Go exploring! Drive one day, then bike, then use the bus, then walk…Just wander around and see what you find (or what finds you).
I find this week’s challenge to be quite fitting. I feel very lost right now. Ridiculous mood swings, thoughts of hopelessness, you know, all that general existential angst that we 20-somethings go through. Nothing special.
Right now, I don’t know who I am. Or, to be more precise, I’m beginning to figure out that who I am is not who I want to be. These days, I just sit at the computer and browse randomly or play banal games. That’s what’s probably rotting my brain.
Well, today I’m going exploring. I’m back home in Kansas right now and the weather’s not so bad, so I think I’ll head out downtown tonight and do some wandering. If gas prices weren’t so high, I’d jump in my car and drive across the state to Mt. Sunflower, at the Colorado border. It is my Mecca of sorts. I plan to go there before I leave the country, if I ever do.
Do you know what I realized today? I hate Spanish. I’ve been learning it since I was 8, and I’ve planned my entire life around it. It’s a nice language, but do I really want to spend the next two years in South America? Do I? I’m a lazy mofo sometimes.
Anyway, I’m off to shower and wander. I’m expecting wonderful things.

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Es Mas Bello Vivir Cantando

Pros:

well, I’m here already.  Might as well.

My dad.

Puppies

Making people smile

Avenging wrongdoings

Grief is icky.

Love

I’m pretty cute.

There’s still a sliver of hope.  So naive, I know.

Cons:

I’m tired.

I’m selfish

I’m lazy.

I’m awkward.

I’m incapable of love.

I push away everyone who gets close to me.

I can’t take care of myself.

I’m a tub of marshmallow fluff (mentally, not physically)

My brain is deteriorating everyday

I hate being around people

I’m tired of failing

I have no motivation

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I’m really going to start this back up again

I promise.

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Week Somethingsomethingsomething: No Regrets

No Regrets: Write down all of your failures and regrets in life. Invite others to do the same. Get together to make a giant regret-fueled bonfire. Don’t forget the marshmallows!

Once a week this semester, I’ve met with a really cool group of people to do really cool things. Specifics are not important. Usually we meet at someone’s house, but about two months ago, we decided to switch it up and have a bonfire/picnic. As everyone was signing up to bring food and fixings, I encouraged everyone to make a list of their regrets so that we could burn them. Everyone thought it was a pretty bumpin’ idea.

The timing of our bonfire/regret-burning party was perfect. The weekend before our event, I made some really stupid (sober) decisions and I felt like shit. I felt like I’d lost a great deal of integrity because I’d been “that girl”.

When I got to the bonfire, I poured out my heart on the paper, not just about the weekend before, but about all of the stupid decisions I made in my life. After we’d finished writing, we gathered around the fire and each of us shared one thing we’d written. I talked about my grandmother, who was in the hospital at the time, and how I regretted not spending more time with her when she was well (she actually passed away a few weeks ago).

Then, we all threw our regrets into the fire and roasted marshmallows. Yay!

This was an incredibly cathartic experience and, even better, it was a bonding opportunity as well. All of us in the group got a chance to open up to each other and establish trust. I feel that it was a turning point in our relationship: we went from random people united for a cause to (hopefully) lifelong friends. I’d love to make this a tradition among us. We’ll see.

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Prone to Wander

I started this list because I felt restless.  I wonder if it was due to some unknown void in my life, or because I’ve been working at a coffee shop for 5 months now and I consume ungodly amounts of caffeine.  Perhaps both.

I can’t sleep because my hair smells like weed (I wasn’t smoking, for what it’s worth), my nearly-deaf downstairs neighbor is watching TV at odd hours of the night, as usual, there’s a frat party across the street from my house, I’ve had too much coffee, I’ve got a paper to write, and a muffin to eat.

I miss journaling/blogging.  Haven’t done it in a while, for whatever reason.  I think I should do it more often; perhaps it will help me organize my thoughts.  I think I’ve gone crazy.   In all of my conversations, I sound erratic, irrational, and spastic.  My thoughts jump from here to there with no rhyme or reason, and through it all, I find myself thinking, “What the hell am I saying?”, as I’m sure whoever I’m interacting with is thinking too.

Oh, there are so many things going on in my head right now.   I think the only way to organize them is to make a list.  I love lists, by the way.   They are God’s gift to the addle-brained people of the world, like myself.

Things I Realized Tonight:

– I do not like Latin dancing.
– I like to dance, but not with people
– I can only flirt with people that I’m not really attracted to.  If I find myself in a situation with someone that I like, I get a sudden attack of The Dumb and generally end up behaving in a not-so-cute manner.
– Working in retail/food service brings out the inner misanthrope in me.
– Alcohol is overrated, but is a necessary evil for some.
– Our culture has an unhealthy admiration for the mullet.
– I’ve had more than my fair share of cockblocks.
– Telling my (white) friend that sociology class makes me hate white people was probably a misguided decision.
– Pragmatism is refreshingly sexy.

That’s all I’ve got, mios.  I’ll start the list up again soon, but for now I’m using this blog as a landfill for all the random goop in my head.

The end.

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Lucy, You Got Some ‘Splainin’ to Do….

Last week, wordpress was acting wonky, for some reason, and I couldn’t post.   No worries, because I didn’t do anything anyway.

Well, I *did* things, but not list-things.   No time, no time.  I’m juggling a bachelorette party, a wedding, a grassroots mentoring program, an anti-human-trafficking conference, two jobs, an ill-timed obsession with sewing/interior design, a mildly dysfunctional family, and the desire to eat, sleep, and practice good hygiene….all at once.  Oh, and a social life.  Ha.  Yeah, about that….

I can’t do everything, even though I surely do try.

This week, I’m spending most of my time packing, since I’m moving back to Columbia for the school year. I figured that since I have to go through all of my stuff anyway, now would be a good time to tackle #9 on the list:

Spring/Summer/Winter/Fall Cleaning: Deep clean your entire abode, one room at a time (and your car! And your purse!!). De-clutter and de-junkify your life. Go through all your earthly possessions and organize them. If you need them, catalog them. If not, toss them or give them away.

Brilliant.  My car is a filthy pit of despair.  It’s about time I tackled the beast.

So far, I’ve gone through all of my goodies in the basement: I have a lot of books, fake flowers, and cell phone chargers.  Tons.  My cup overfloweth with them.

What else is going on in my life?
I made a new skirt (yes, yes, I know.  Screw you for judging me).  It’s beautiful, but once again, I have no pictures.
I’ve stopped eating meat (for rather strange reasons), which means I’ve lost weight (not good).
I’ve decided to get over some things/people in my life and stop acting like an emotional retard.
I’m starting to become the person that I always wanted to be, and I kind of like that.  Sweet action.
The ‘u’ key on my laptop is broken.
Classes start in 15 days, muthapunks!
Watermelon is on its way to becoming the official vegetable of Oklahoma.

 

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